Lessons

Lessons
9/29/18


I remember so clearly 
Aware of my thinking
How it felt good when 
He touched me
What a soothing way to
To help me fall asleep
A friend of the family’s 
Teenager son
Left in charge of me
tucked in
the bedroom of my mother’s
childhood home
I was in my mom’s bed


My mom’s bed 
where once 
She may have 
dreamed me up
Or fought off trauma
Us! Maybe as warriors 
Together! Maybe my mom
Raising horses in the backyard
Dreamed of me there in
My mom’s bed


Where he touched me
I remember his rubbing
And then the shift in me 
Knowing
When he whispered
Don’t tell
Anyone
Don’t tell
Your grandma when
She gets home
Left imprinted-confusion
How I knew then 
what
I had felt,
I had enjoyed,
Was wrong and that
If I tell, it is
My fault.
So if I keep a secret-
My secret of liking the
attention or the secret
that he told me not to tell
or the secret 
that it happened
This was what he taught me:
That if I keep the secret
It will still be 
my fault.